Child No More
I muddle in the corner of my quaint cage.
You come over and fill my feeding dish
as you have done for many years.
I blink with rounded eyes of gratitude and
feed on the bittersweet seeds of your concern.
Night comes, and I look up into the white sheet sky,
my smooth lids become heavy and
I nestle my beak into the plush green belly of my dreams.
I fly in between jungle leaves, I eat the wild fruit, and
breathe in the thick air of coconut over tropical ripples of the Amazon.
I wake to the same white chipped painted wall
that greets me every morning.
You come over and stroke my feathers with your warm fingers of security
and I look to the clear panes of opportunity.
A ray of sun blinds me, but I see exactly.
The cleavage of glass bends the sun into ribbons
that kiss the apples on the table
I do not want to hurt you, but I have not been a chick for some time.
I am not sure if I will make it to the exotic Amazon,
but if is better than the white chipped paint of walls.
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Monday, April 23, 2007
Planet F-ing Earth!!!
I LOOOOVE the new series Planet Earth on Discovery channel it is soo awsome! After work on Sundays I always tune into watch... I've watched an ocean one and a deserts one and they were so neat. My favorite thing was to see all the crazy organisms that live in the ocean, I didn't even know some of the things existed that were in the episode! Ocean creatures are so creepy but they're so interesting. Whales are soooo big it's amazing, it's so funny how they feed on the smalles organisms in the ocean lol. The sail fish were crazy too! They looked like swordfish but longer and thinner. They "herd" the smaller fish up so that they can eat then the same way dolphins do, but if they turn the wrong way and puncture another sailfish it will kill the other sailfish, so they are all able to turn different colors, black, red, and blue maybe I think... something like that. So these colors enable the fish to herd the smaller fish without puncturing themselves by their own noses. I can't wait to see another episode... I'm already counting down the days! :) Yes I'm a nerd and damn proud to be <333
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Check It
I wrote two short poems <333>
1.
Never trust the one that
does not LOVE nature - for
They can not see life in eyes
or feel the spirit flicker.
2.
I was a wife to a King
who stabbed me with a blunted knife,
and led me to my innocent death.
Reborn today there’s no such King
but a Queen of Queen’s
slices off my head.
1.
Never trust the one that
does not LOVE nature - for
They can not see life in eyes
or feel the spirit flicker.
2.
I was a wife to a King
who stabbed me with a blunted knife,
and led me to my innocent death.
Reborn today there’s no such King
but a Queen of Queen’s
slices off my head.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Find Me a Fairy!!!
I REAAAAALLLY want a new tattoo!!! and I really want a fairy on my back... I know... I know sooo Britney Spears but I still want one! lol I love fairies I think they're so beautiful and sort of a symbol of feminine beauty, even the gothic like ones, in fact I really like those... but I'm not really gothic myself and it's not really my style. If anyone is good at art though and want to show me some fairies don't be shy I'd love to see some!!! More often I like fairies that look sad or neutral and with long flowy hair :) Any ideas? Anyway... I also like mermaids because they're really pretty too! I think people who think that tattoos are butch need to get over that complex... tattoos can be beautiful and meaningful, who thinks a fairy is butch??? I know we get older and they don't look as good but even if we don't have tattoos do we really look amazing when we're old!?!? lol Plus when is the last time you have seen a 60 year old person wearing skimpy clothes? Most of the tattoos older people have no one even sees... On another note also, to all guys: tattoos are NOT tramp stamps and definitely NOT a bullseye! I have a tattoo and you better bet that every guy that comes onto me at a club still gets shot down :D I don't see anything wrong with tattoos or piercings, as long as the person is responsible and a good person it shouldn't be so hard for them to find a job. It really is discrimination. Watch out old people and traditional youngins b/c I have a feeling this tattoo piercing thing isn't going away, in fact I think it's going to become more prominent.
Monday, April 9, 2007
Backstabbing: Forgiving but not Forgetting
Alright raise your hand if you have ever been ganged up on and backstabbed by people or a person you thought was a friend... That's right A LOT of you out their have! This is a story of my backstabber and what I think about all of this kind of drama that should be left in high school crap:
* I will not use real names (it's just easier to still use some kind of name instead of he said she said he said she said...)
-Geoff is my bf so I'm still going to call him Geoff...
So I met Geoff through a friend and we started to hang out and stuff you know regular cliche of how two people meet and obviously we hit it off, and it wasn't too much longer before we started really dating and he became my bf. He had a friend named *Debbie who he was really close with, and in all seriousness I understood this b/c I also had a friend (a male) who I was very close with and neither of us wanted these friendships to go sour b/c we were together. At first I didn't really talk to *Debbie all that much Geoff and I kept our friends pretty seperate in the beginning, nothing was that serious we had just started dating. Then I started to hang out with *Debbie some and she was a really nice person (so I thought) and after awhile I really considered her a great friend, at one point I would say that she was my best girlfriend, in all seriousness we had great times! One downfall though was Geoff and I, we had some trouble in the beginning of our relationship, neither one of us had been in a serious relationship before so to no suprise there was some turbulence but I always kept those real problems to myself and I think this is where all the negetive aspects start to kick in. Geoff told *Debbie about something personal that him and I had talked about and come on, I was pissed! I know that *Debbie was his best friend but the business between him and I makes it my business too and *Debbie had no right no know. She came at me going you're wrong, you're wrong it's just a guy thing, and I'm sorry "guy thing" my ASS it's called respect and I don't care what gender you are, to me that's what a relationship is based on, respect, if you really think about it you respect someone if you're honest with them and that's why there is no need to bring up honesty and respect is my one word. Then Geoff and I got a lot better and closer, and this must have been another point at which *Debbie started to get mad. I know all too well how it is to "lose" a friend to them getting a significant other, I've had this happen too, but you don't really LOSE them you are just friends with them on a more distant scale. Unfortunately, this takes MATURITY and not a lot of people have it. You have to let your friend go, it's sad that you can't hang out with them as much anymore and you don't have that same bond where you can just call them and they'll be there but they've found someone who is special and relationships are work, you might not believe me but if you're in a long term one they are! You just have to know that your friend is happy and arn't trying to butt you out of their life completely. *Debbie told Geoff that I was too controling and that he should be able to do whatever he wants without me being in the way, but another thing that comes with respect is sacrafice and I think this is the all relationship killer because no one wants to sacrafice anything especially men. I felt I was too controlling about some situations I do admit that completely but I was trying to fight my own demons and I apologized when I felt I had been wrong or when Geoff made me realize that I was being a little neurotic. In all seriousness though I wasn't that controlling. There would be times that I would just not be in a good mood and be like "well I'm leaving the party early because I'm not in a good mood and tired." There were also times I wasn't getting along with Geoff the best and I would just be mad at him so I would go home or stay home. In the end though Geoff would always end up coming to my house and try to make it all better or cheer me up. So everyone assumed that I was making Geoff leave the parties! This was DEF NOT true! Sometimes I told him it even wasn't a good idea that he come over because I just needed some space or time to cool off! Geoff could have stayed at the parties if he wanted to! There was no ball and chain attatched to me! That's the last kind of gf I would want to be. Now there was Geoff's 21st birthday... and now this is where shit really started to hit the fan a little. All of the sudden *Debbie came up with this "brilliant" idea that "everyone" could go to the bars, but oops... Geoff's gf is not 21 yet! HELLO!!! Who the hell would be like "Sure! I would love for all of my friends to go out without me and me stay home and stick my thumb up my ass!!! Doesn't that sound SUPER!" I didn't understand why my "friends" would want to ditch me, and that's when I started to realize that my friends were not such good friends after all. I dunno maybe it's just me but I always had friends where if one friend couldn't go because they were too young (I'm talking about truing 18) then we would just go and do something else! We would never be like "ohh sorry too bad!" I mean am I crazy? This is when I started to have a problem with *Debbie. She just wouldn't let it go that Geoff was NOT under her control anymore and the more I saw all of this the more I saw how she was like this with everyone! It was *Debbie's way or the highway! So I can understand now why she thought I was so controlling and that's only because she los control, and I'm glad she did because now Geoff is free to do what he REALLY wants and not do things just to please *Debbie. She has this crazy "loyalty" to people but really it's just her "control" over them and when she loses the control and they tell her to take a hike she's gone and you're dead to her. What kind of friend is that? It isn't. So now all that shit was going on and then the big bang... Geoff had a huge party for *Debbie's birthday, I stayed up late and started talking to this guy *Rich and it was obvious that *Rich was pretty drunk but I was like alright I'll listen. Later I see him hanging out of his car puking. I felt bad and even though I didn't really like the kid I was like ehhh I'll atleast get him inside and put him on a bed so that he won't wake up in a parking lot the next moring with rocks stuck to his face... on the way inside though he started hitting on me, but who takes a drunk person seriously? So I was like eww no come on just get in the house. I got him into a bedroom where there were 2 beds and a girl *Betty was already in there, I threw him and myself on the bed because he was clinging to me and that bitch was heavy! At that point I started saying ok let me go I have to go to bed whispering because that other girl was sleeping (so i thought) but then she got up and *Rich grabbed my face and kissed me. See I don't know if this girl saw that or not but that was NOT in my intention to happen. It threw me off gaurd and I pushed him down and told him off and went to bed... so see it didn't look good but there was no way in hell I cheated on Geoff! Of course *Betty was nowhere to be found when I told him off... so this is why there was the rumor... what really pissed me off was that I told *Debbie everything the day after! Even before Geoff! Well she took *Betty's story and all of the sudden I was the open target. It was rediculous, *Debbie and this other kid *John came to Geoff's house and told him that they needed to talk to him outside, I could tell something was the matter because *Debbie looked like she was going to shit herself. They ran outside and I was like ehhh whatever is the matter I can't be bothered I'm too tired to deal with it and so I stayed inside and thank GOD I did. They told Geoff that I had hooked up with *Rich and that I had also previously about nine months kissed some other guy at a party. Geoff told me all of this after he got me in the car and I didn't know what to say, I knew for SURE nothing happend with *Rich but the other guy and the time that they were talking about at that party I don't even remember half the night, I was shitfaced! So for that I can't even defend myself because to this day I have no idea if it's true or not but if it was true then why didn't anyone say anything sooner? If that is true then I regret it and it made me realize that getting that drunk is bad news because rumors can start and even if they're not true you can't defend yourself because you don't even remember what you were doing or what the truth is and that scares the shit out of me. In the case of the other guy *John I don't consider him a backstabber really because I've never liked him and he never liked me, we were never really friends. He was and asshole who had no respect for people in general unless he had some sort of history with you and ignorant as hell. So that's what I am only mad at *Debbie and *Betty. I think *Betty still sticks to her story, and even *Rich confirmed to Geoff that I didn't hook up with him and he was in the wrong. So everyone knows that story is bogus except the people that don't want it to be, and well... everyone sees through them like they're clean windows with no screens. You would think I would have gone through all of this in high school! but no... college :D It's really amazing how people never grow up no matter how old they get. As for *Debbie I hope she sees the light one day and starts proceeding into maturity and doesn't lose anymore friends because of her controling andvindictive behavior. To her I say, You're opinions arn't always right, your assumptions arn't always right, life is CHANGE, embrace it don't fight it because it's going to happen anyway even if it has to take you kicking and screaming and that only prolongs it and makes it hurt worse. Live and let live. In my opinion she'll never change, but it would be a delighted suprise for me to find out that she proved me wrong. I wish her the best with her life, just as long as she isn't part of mine.
So that's how I feel. She says the whole situation doesn't bother her anymore but I think it does still bother her, if it doesn't then she was never really a friend to Geoff either. I admit it still bothers me (y else would I write about it so elaborately)? It's something I think a lot of people deal with and we just need to lose the hate so that both parties can move on and embrace life.
I really think sometimes we need to seperate ourselves from ourselves and look at what we are really doing. It's so easy to get caught up in something that sometimes at the end we just end up hurting ourselves and others for no reason because of bad judment calls or because we just are blind to what we're doing.
* I will not use real names (it's just easier to still use some kind of name instead of he said she said he said she said...)
-Geoff is my bf so I'm still going to call him Geoff...
So I met Geoff through a friend and we started to hang out and stuff you know regular cliche of how two people meet and obviously we hit it off, and it wasn't too much longer before we started really dating and he became my bf. He had a friend named *Debbie who he was really close with, and in all seriousness I understood this b/c I also had a friend (a male) who I was very close with and neither of us wanted these friendships to go sour b/c we were together. At first I didn't really talk to *Debbie all that much Geoff and I kept our friends pretty seperate in the beginning, nothing was that serious we had just started dating. Then I started to hang out with *Debbie some and she was a really nice person (so I thought) and after awhile I really considered her a great friend, at one point I would say that she was my best girlfriend, in all seriousness we had great times! One downfall though was Geoff and I, we had some trouble in the beginning of our relationship, neither one of us had been in a serious relationship before so to no suprise there was some turbulence but I always kept those real problems to myself and I think this is where all the negetive aspects start to kick in. Geoff told *Debbie about something personal that him and I had talked about and come on, I was pissed! I know that *Debbie was his best friend but the business between him and I makes it my business too and *Debbie had no right no know. She came at me going you're wrong, you're wrong it's just a guy thing, and I'm sorry "guy thing" my ASS it's called respect and I don't care what gender you are, to me that's what a relationship is based on, respect, if you really think about it you respect someone if you're honest with them and that's why there is no need to bring up honesty and respect is my one word. Then Geoff and I got a lot better and closer, and this must have been another point at which *Debbie started to get mad. I know all too well how it is to "lose" a friend to them getting a significant other, I've had this happen too, but you don't really LOSE them you are just friends with them on a more distant scale. Unfortunately, this takes MATURITY and not a lot of people have it. You have to let your friend go, it's sad that you can't hang out with them as much anymore and you don't have that same bond where you can just call them and they'll be there but they've found someone who is special and relationships are work, you might not believe me but if you're in a long term one they are! You just have to know that your friend is happy and arn't trying to butt you out of their life completely. *Debbie told Geoff that I was too controling and that he should be able to do whatever he wants without me being in the way, but another thing that comes with respect is sacrafice and I think this is the all relationship killer because no one wants to sacrafice anything especially men. I felt I was too controlling about some situations I do admit that completely but I was trying to fight my own demons and I apologized when I felt I had been wrong or when Geoff made me realize that I was being a little neurotic. In all seriousness though I wasn't that controlling. There would be times that I would just not be in a good mood and be like "well I'm leaving the party early because I'm not in a good mood and tired." There were also times I wasn't getting along with Geoff the best and I would just be mad at him so I would go home or stay home. In the end though Geoff would always end up coming to my house and try to make it all better or cheer me up. So everyone assumed that I was making Geoff leave the parties! This was DEF NOT true! Sometimes I told him it even wasn't a good idea that he come over because I just needed some space or time to cool off! Geoff could have stayed at the parties if he wanted to! There was no ball and chain attatched to me! That's the last kind of gf I would want to be. Now there was Geoff's 21st birthday... and now this is where shit really started to hit the fan a little. All of the sudden *Debbie came up with this "brilliant" idea that "everyone" could go to the bars, but oops... Geoff's gf is not 21 yet! HELLO!!! Who the hell would be like "Sure! I would love for all of my friends to go out without me and me stay home and stick my thumb up my ass!!! Doesn't that sound SUPER!" I didn't understand why my "friends" would want to ditch me, and that's when I started to realize that my friends were not such good friends after all. I dunno maybe it's just me but I always had friends where if one friend couldn't go because they were too young (I'm talking about truing 18) then we would just go and do something else! We would never be like "ohh sorry too bad!" I mean am I crazy? This is when I started to have a problem with *Debbie. She just wouldn't let it go that Geoff was NOT under her control anymore and the more I saw all of this the more I saw how she was like this with everyone! It was *Debbie's way or the highway! So I can understand now why she thought I was so controlling and that's only because she los control, and I'm glad she did because now Geoff is free to do what he REALLY wants and not do things just to please *Debbie. She has this crazy "loyalty" to people but really it's just her "control" over them and when she loses the control and they tell her to take a hike she's gone and you're dead to her. What kind of friend is that? It isn't. So now all that shit was going on and then the big bang... Geoff had a huge party for *Debbie's birthday, I stayed up late and started talking to this guy *Rich and it was obvious that *Rich was pretty drunk but I was like alright I'll listen. Later I see him hanging out of his car puking. I felt bad and even though I didn't really like the kid I was like ehhh I'll atleast get him inside and put him on a bed so that he won't wake up in a parking lot the next moring with rocks stuck to his face... on the way inside though he started hitting on me, but who takes a drunk person seriously? So I was like eww no come on just get in the house. I got him into a bedroom where there were 2 beds and a girl *Betty was already in there, I threw him and myself on the bed because he was clinging to me and that bitch was heavy! At that point I started saying ok let me go I have to go to bed whispering because that other girl was sleeping (so i thought) but then she got up and *Rich grabbed my face and kissed me. See I don't know if this girl saw that or not but that was NOT in my intention to happen. It threw me off gaurd and I pushed him down and told him off and went to bed... so see it didn't look good but there was no way in hell I cheated on Geoff! Of course *Betty was nowhere to be found when I told him off... so this is why there was the rumor... what really pissed me off was that I told *Debbie everything the day after! Even before Geoff! Well she took *Betty's story and all of the sudden I was the open target. It was rediculous, *Debbie and this other kid *John came to Geoff's house and told him that they needed to talk to him outside, I could tell something was the matter because *Debbie looked like she was going to shit herself. They ran outside and I was like ehhh whatever is the matter I can't be bothered I'm too tired to deal with it and so I stayed inside and thank GOD I did. They told Geoff that I had hooked up with *Rich and that I had also previously about nine months kissed some other guy at a party. Geoff told me all of this after he got me in the car and I didn't know what to say, I knew for SURE nothing happend with *Rich but the other guy and the time that they were talking about at that party I don't even remember half the night, I was shitfaced! So for that I can't even defend myself because to this day I have no idea if it's true or not but if it was true then why didn't anyone say anything sooner? If that is true then I regret it and it made me realize that getting that drunk is bad news because rumors can start and even if they're not true you can't defend yourself because you don't even remember what you were doing or what the truth is and that scares the shit out of me. In the case of the other guy *John I don't consider him a backstabber really because I've never liked him and he never liked me, we were never really friends. He was and asshole who had no respect for people in general unless he had some sort of history with you and ignorant as hell. So that's what I am only mad at *Debbie and *Betty. I think *Betty still sticks to her story, and even *Rich confirmed to Geoff that I didn't hook up with him and he was in the wrong. So everyone knows that story is bogus except the people that don't want it to be, and well... everyone sees through them like they're clean windows with no screens. You would think I would have gone through all of this in high school! but no... college :D It's really amazing how people never grow up no matter how old they get. As for *Debbie I hope she sees the light one day and starts proceeding into maturity and doesn't lose anymore friends because of her controling andvindictive behavior. To her I say, You're opinions arn't always right, your assumptions arn't always right, life is CHANGE, embrace it don't fight it because it's going to happen anyway even if it has to take you kicking and screaming and that only prolongs it and makes it hurt worse. Live and let live. In my opinion she'll never change, but it would be a delighted suprise for me to find out that she proved me wrong. I wish her the best with her life, just as long as she isn't part of mine.
So that's how I feel. She says the whole situation doesn't bother her anymore but I think it does still bother her, if it doesn't then she was never really a friend to Geoff either. I admit it still bothers me (y else would I write about it so elaborately)? It's something I think a lot of people deal with and we just need to lose the hate so that both parties can move on and embrace life.
I really think sometimes we need to seperate ourselves from ourselves and look at what we are really doing. It's so easy to get caught up in something that sometimes at the end we just end up hurting ourselves and others for no reason because of bad judment calls or because we just are blind to what we're doing.
Thursday, April 5, 2007
parties and friends
Yea I havn't been using this like I said I would... supirse suprise lol! Well tonight there's going to be a party and where there's a party there's an Amy ;) Not really but I do like the occasional shin dig! I hope I pay attention to how much alcohol I consumer because I reallllllllllllllllllllllllllly hate hangovers they SUCK! That and you know alcohol poisoning wouldn't be too good either, I'm pretty paranoid about that actually a kid just died recently at Ryder (sp?) University, that shit is scary! Drinking can be fun when it's done right, and usually it's not :/ Usually there is sloppiness involved and the such. People usually find this a good time to things that are just STUPID and blame it on being drunk the next day... that's dumb, take responsibility people. I'm just going to have to take it easy and just laugh and love with my friends! <333>
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